Faithless Fear

Psalm 94:17-19 - Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

My heart groans within me,

even my bones turn against me.

With every moment of fear,

I cast doubt on the Lord.

In every moment that I am afraid,

I disobey the status of my God.

Is not Your power,

greater than my thorns, O Lord?

My unbelief

causes me to fear,

which leads me to sin.

O, how my life would never be the same,

if I had a mustard seed.

Just a drop,

only a fraction of faith,

and I would never be the same.

My minds turns me in, Father,

my thoughts are the evidence,

evidence of all that I lack.

In the root of my trembling,

my guilt is revealed.

You are all that I need, O Lord,

yet You are not enough for me.

You are all that I long for, O God,

yet I rely on everything but You.

What will it take,

faithless flesh of mine,

to put your hope in the Lord?

I will call to You, mighty Creator,

until my lungs give out.

Humble me,

bring me to ruins,

if it means I can taste the fullness of Your

love.

Amen.

Wonderful Suffering

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

O Lord,

my pain cannot be measured,

words cannot do it justice.

I have lost count of the days;

many are the nights I have suffered.

Yet, the mercy of the Lord

has never been more bountiful;

His grace has never been more satisfying.

O the joy of affliction,

the wonder of suffering,

when I am covered by the blood of Christ.

There is no greater treasure,

than suffering for the sake of the Lord.

What good are riches,

worldly treasures and gifts,

without the forgiveness of the Almighty?

They are nothing,

poison to the soul,

and decay to the bones,

apart from the Father.

All that I have belongs to You, O God,

suffering and success alike.

Loosen my grip,

my selfish desires,

my prideful heart.

Turn my sorrow into rejoicing,

and my weeping into joy.

Though my pain cannot be measured,

Your grace overflows in every moment.

You drown my suffering,

in the depths of Your love.

Therefore,

make me humble in my hurt,

and selfless in my affliction.

Convict my heart, O God,

and I will follow You for the rest of my days.

Amen.

Have Your Way

2 Chronicles 16:9 - “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.”

With my lips I say,

“Call me, Lord, send me!”

In my heart,

I am afraid.

Am I ready,

am I righteous?

Am I honest,

am I pure?

All that I see is my weakness,

all that I know is my insufficiency.

How I long for the Lord to send me;

how I fear that the Lord is sending me.

If only I felt more prepared,

more certain and more free.

If only the Lord followed my timing,

my feelings and my desires.

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Is there a greater fool that walks this earth,

anyone more foolish than me?

Have Your way, O Lord;

have me and have Your way.

In Your timing,

because of Your grace,

for Your glory,

and by Your strength alone,

have Your way.

Amen.

Refined

Psalm 66:10-12 - “For You, God, tested us; You refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance.”

The Lord is alive;

He answers my prayers,

and watches over my steps.

The Lord hears;

actively, He listens,

and has His way in all things.

You, O God,

You answer to no one.

Your ways are beautiful;

Your timing is perfect,

even when my flesh doubts.

Faithful, faithful is the Lord Almighty;

tender and just is the Lord.

In discomfort,

I will remain resolute;

in pain,

I will praise You.

For satisfaction is simple,

when my circumstances are safe;

but joy in the Lord during trials,

this is my ministry to the Father.

You test the steadfast,

and You rejoice in our perserverance.

Therefore,

I will come forth refined as gold;

this is my inheritance.

Amen.

You Made

Romans 11:36 - “For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen.”

You made my eyes,

to look upon You.

You made my feet,

to walk towards You.

You made my hands,

to serve You.

You made my mind,

to think about You.

You made my heart,

to adore You.

You gave me breath,

to tell of Your goodness.

You made me for You;

for You I am made,

and to You I belong.

Amen.

A Broken Spirit

Psalm 51:17 - “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

My eyes gaze upon Your magnificence, Lord,

there is no one like You.

As far as the east is from the west,

so You have separated me from my sin.

In this,

I have joyful grief,

I take fearful refuge.

For my sin is laid out before me,

my mouth confesses the evil in my heart.

Therefore, I will lose myself to Your power,

I will crucify myself for Your love.

Your forgiveness is my heartbeat;

but, still I will mourn over my wrondoing.

Your grace is my every breath;

but, still I will condemn my indulgence to sin.

It is a blessing, O God,

to confess my pride;

it is a gift to curse my disobedience.

For my inheritance exists in the oceans of Your mercy,

my life comes from the depths of Your grace.

I will meditate on Your justice, Lord,

and I will ever curse my habitual sin.

Lead me to the foundation of Your law,

the freedom of Your instruction,

that I may have life everlasting.

Amen.

Speak To Your Soul

Psalm 42:5 - Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

You plot my steps before me, O Lord,

You lead me along the path to Your dwelling place.

Though the road is dark,

and I am empty,

You guide me according to Your will.

This is the life You prepared for me long ago;

Your plans have not changed.

Though my flesh is weak,

and my burdens are heavy,

Your sovereignty surrounds me.

Every breath is a reminder

of my eternal resting place,

my perfect home.

Every affliction forces me,

O so wonderfully,

into the depths of Your mercy.

Set my feet upon Your foundation,

the foundation of truth.

Reveal Your power, O Lord,

that I may see it revealed in me.

Overcome my doubts,

and trample my enemies,

that I may proclaim Your goodness.

Command strength into my bones,

and breathe life into my lungs;

let faith bring me healing.

Steadfast, O Lord,

I remain steadfast before You;

come to my rescue!

O mighty God,

come quickly and deliver me.

Amen.

Apart

Psalm 32:6-7 — “Therefore, let all the faithful pray to You while You may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Apart from fear,

freedom is nothing.

Apart from troubles,

triumph is empty.

Apart from desperation,

hope is unnecessary.

Apart from suffering,

faith is meaningless.

I am made whole,

because I am incomplete.

I have hope,

because I have such need.

I receive grace,

because I know the depths of my sin.

I must choose life,

because I have looked upon the face of death.

You, O Lord,

are God of the brokenhearted.

Leader of the lowly,

You are the King of the downcast,

and we are the apple of Your eye.

You have no need for the arrogant,

no purpose for the prideful.

O, what a blessing,

what an inheritance I will receive,

as a servant of the Lord.

I will wait for You, O God,

I will persist in the face of persecution.

For this life is devoid of meaning,

unless it is a life spent serving You.

Amen.

Silent Not Still

Psalm 13:1-2 — “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”

Silent,

but not still.

Quiet,

but not content.

My mind churns,

my thoughts cannot be restrained;

my spirit is not content within me.

How, O Lord,

do I worship You in wandering?

How do I sing praise,

when my soul has no rest,

and my body has no peace?

I am weary,

I see myself as a waste.

With each passing day,

I lose sense of my convictions.

You, O God,

knit me together this way;

why do I have no peace?

Is it disobedience,

fear and worry,

an unwillingness to be bold?

Is it impatience,

pride and selfishness,

an unwillingness to wait?

May my questioning

bring You glory, Father.

Make obedience my conviction,

and righteousness my meditation.

You have plans for me -

not my own -

plans to prosper me,

to use me.

I must not forget.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (7)

My sorrows will be turned to joy;

my hurt will be no more.

Though I fall,

I will rise,

for the Lord is my strength.

Though I hurt,

I will be healed,

for the Lord upholds the righteous.

When faith is my only option,

and trust my only tool,

only then can I be near to You.

When my vices are not enough,

and distractions fail me,

only then can I rely on the Lord.

When life tears me apart,

and darkness swallows me whole,

only then can I have faith.

Standing firm is my victory,

carrying on is my fight;

the Lord is pleased

that I draw near to Him in desperation.

In this I am encouraged:

I am worthy of hardship,

and chosen to suffer.

God will uphold me;

He himself, my Father in heaven,

will see me through.

The Almighty God,

Alpha and Omega,

stands behind me,

walks ahead of me,

and positions Himself beside me.

If He is God,

and it is so,

how can I be defeated?

Amen.

Day of Darkness (6)

I cannot,

I must not,

suffer in vain.

I cannot,

I must not,

hurt in silence.

I cannot,

I must not,

struggle in isolation.

I cannot,

I must not,

drown in separation.

I can,

I must,

suffer with hope.

I can,

I must,

hurt with honesty.

I can,

I must,

struggle with others.

I can,

I must,

call out for help.

You, O Lord,

are my rock.

And You, O Lord,

give me the tools to fight,

and others to walk alongside of me.

Give me the strength

to rely on You,

and be helped by others.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (5)

I will praise You in sickness,

in darkness,

and in hurt.

I will praise You in suffering,

in misery,

and in fear.

I will praise You in emptiness,

in wandering,

and in doubt.

I will praise You in desperation,

in anger,

and in pride.

It is good, O Lord,

to praise your Name,

when all I want to do,

is anything else.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (4)

The joy of the Lord,

must alone be my strength.

The joy of the Lord -

uncontrollable,

undeniable,

inconceivable,

overwhelming,

never-ending,

undefinable -

must be my strength.

In pain and in hurt,

in loss and in sorrow,

in sickness and disease,

in suffering and emptiness,

in hopelessness and despair,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

When the world fails me,

when people let me down,

when sickness tears me apart,

when grief consumes my heart,

when my mind cannot be still,

when darkness closes in,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

Though I see no light,

though I feel no hope,

though I experience no healing,

though I sense no freedom,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

When I cannot sink any lower,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (3)

This life is not all that there is for me,

but there remains purpose in living it.

Though I wish to give in,

to be free from pain and hurt,

You give me breath, O God.

Though my waking up is labor,

and my life moves from affliction to affliction,

You give me breath, O God.

Are you a God of waste?

Do you make mistakes,

or overlook the things that happen?

Do You lack purpose in Your ways,

or lose ground to Your enemies?

You do not;

You are not.

Every work of Yours is perfect,

and Your will cannot be thwarted.

Your power is complete;

Your sovereignty never ends.

Not a single act of Yours is wasted,

not one.

You order the winds to blow,

and the rains to fall.

The sun and moon bow down to You,

the stars shine at Your command.

The peaks and valleys know Your voice,

the earth obeys Your instruction.

And I, O Lord, am set apart in Your eyes.

You know me,

You shaped me and made me;

You breathed life into my bones.

You watch over me

and care for me;

You will see to my redemption.

Let it be so.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (2)

I will be made new,

this I know.

For You, O Lord, are not coming to destroy creation,

but to restore it.

I am not destined for the dirt;

I was born to rise again.

You did not create me for suffering,

but You equipped me to bear it,

and You will bring me victory over it.

You did not create me for pain,

but You hold me when it comes,

and You are my shelter until it passes.

Remind me, O Lord, and reveal to me

that You are making all things new.

Will I be the one exception?

I am your most treasured creation,

will You forget about me?

I am your chosen child,

the one You love;

will you abandon me?

Father,

forgive me.

I am just a man,

and I am afraid.

I am scared of death,

burdened by anxiety,

and worried about myself.

In my anguish,

I become consumed by me -

my needs,

my wants,

my struggles.

Lift my head;

remove blindness from my eyes,

and cause me to love others.

For it is your love, O Lord,

that sets us free;

there is no other way.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (1)

Hope in the flesh,

is hope wasted.

Hope in the Lord,

is hope that will never end.

Yet, I tether myself to the flesh,

and turn from the Lord.

In the heat of battle,

the intensity of attack,

fear causes me to lose faith.

For trust is easy in victory,

and faith is steady when it’s calm;

but in defeat,

the eye of the storm,

I lose my way.

Hear my prayer, O God,

and turn upon me with mercy.

Strengthen me in weakness,

sharpen me in terror.

Cause my mind to know,

and my body to trust,

what my soul is certain of.

For as sure as the sun rises and sets,

You, O Lord, are sure to deliver the righteous.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (series)

Mourn with those who mourn.

I wrote this collection of seven prayers in one sitting, as I wept over the seemingly endless pain and sickness I have battled for the last few years. Soon after I wiped the tears from my eyes, I received a text from a friend of mine who heard that I wasn’t doing well. He shared with me about his years-long battle with depression, suicidal thoughts, and chronic illness. He explained his misery, his anger, and his emptiness. He didn’t advise me on how to feel better, nor did he negate the weight of what I was feeling that particular day. Knowing that he was hurting gave me comfort, and encouraged me to write these seven prayers.

After getting his message, I wondered why I always seem to convince myself that I am suffering in isolation, that nobody else could possibly be hurting the same way that I am. I wondered what the Lord must think, watching us as we try to hide our wounds, drowning in loneliness, desperate for someone to see our hurt and simply be with us in it. For someone to weep alongside us, to sit next to us in silence in our misery.

The words of Romans 12 came to mind as I reflected on the example my friend showed me. Verses 12-15 say, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

In despair, I needed someone to weep with me, to mourn with me, and to remind me that I’m not alone. In times of immense suffering, there are moments that overcome you. It feels like hope is meaningless, joy is gone, and no word of encouragement can bring you strength or sanity. These prayers represent the middle of that moment - affliction, immense need, mourning, the day of darkness. Additionally, they reflect the power, the beauty, of a friend that hurts with you.

There are seven prayers altogether, each one posted in the order that I wrote them. I will release one per day for the first week of the website launch. After that, there will be one post put out every week, released on Friday mornings for us to share together.

Why?

The launch of Evensong.

Do we seriously need another journal?

There are a lot of websites. A lot of blogs, social media accounts, publications, newsletters, and other forms of media put out every second. Why am I adding to the overly-saturated, overwhelming storm of information, opinions, and voices that already exist? Why do we need another one?

We don’t. I’m doing this for one reason. If I can help one person, literally just one, by sharing my writing, then I’m going to. It’s really quite simple: I will post one prayer per week on Friday morning (with the one exception being the first week, when I will post one per day for the launch of the journal), and if you sign up for emails, I’ll send you one email per week on Friday morning with the newest post. That’s it. It’s not scripted and it’s not edited.

The beauty of communal prayer

I experienced a freedom in writing, and I’m hoping to share that freedom with anyone who decides to join me in reading it, praying it, and expressing it to the Lord. In sharing these words with honesty and vulnerability, I hope you are encouraged to do the same. I hope you hear yourself as you pray them, I hope you see yourself as you picture them, and I hope you begin refining your own voice as you express yourself to the Father with humility. Ultimately, I hope this journal can function as a place where we join together in common prayer, sharing our experiences and emotions with vulnerability.

Cathartic and Reverent

Prayer is power. Prayer is necessary. It is not filled with buzzwords and it is not a conversation that you have with your friend. Prayer is and must always remain fully cathartic and fully reverent. We cannot choose one and not the other. It is an interaction, an exchange, an act of submission and silence sometimes, most times. Prayer is often gasping through tears of grief, or through gritted teeth, simmering with rage. Don’t take my word for it. Read the Psalms, read the book of Job, read the Gospels and pay close attention to how our Savior prays to the Father.

This leads me to my final point, and my final charge to you, to us. Prayer is not about you, not about me, not about us. It is about, for, and unto God’s glory. We need not look further than Christ as He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane in Luke 22:42-44. “‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” Not my will, but yours be done.

Community + Prayer = Worship

Together, let’s link arms, get down on our hands and knees, and join Jesus in praying that the Father’s will be done. Let’s cry out, rejoice, sing, praise, lament, grieve, and pray earnestly, with expectation and boldness. And let’s do it together as brothers and sisters, the body of Christ coming together through our shared language.