Day of Darkness (4)

The joy of the Lord,

must alone be my strength.

The joy of the Lord -

uncontrollable,

undeniable,

inconceivable,

overwhelming,

never-ending,

undefinable -

must be my strength.

In pain and in hurt,

in loss and in sorrow,

in sickness and disease,

in suffering and emptiness,

in hopelessness and despair,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

When the world fails me,

when people let me down,

when sickness tears me apart,

when grief consumes my heart,

when my mind cannot be still,

when darkness closes in,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

Though I see no light,

though I feel no hope,

though I experience no healing,

though I sense no freedom,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

When I cannot sink any lower,

the joy of the Lord,

must be my strength.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (3)

This life is not all that there is for me,

but there remains purpose in living it.

Though I wish to give in,

to be free from pain and hurt,

You give me breath, O God.

Though my waking up is labor,

and my life moves from affliction to affliction,

You give me breath, O God.

Are you a God of waste?

Do you make mistakes,

or overlook the things that happen?

Do You lack purpose in Your ways,

or lose ground to Your enemies?

You do not;

You are not.

Every work of Yours is perfect,

and Your will cannot be thwarted.

Your power is complete;

Your sovereignty never ends.

Not a single act of Yours is wasted,

not one.

You order the winds to blow,

and the rains to fall.

The sun and moon bow down to You,

the stars shine at Your command.

The peaks and valleys know Your voice,

the earth obeys Your instruction.

And I, O Lord, am set apart in Your eyes.

You know me,

You shaped me and made me;

You breathed life into my bones.

You watch over me

and care for me;

You will see to my redemption.

Let it be so.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (2)

I will be made new,

this I know.

For You, O Lord, are not coming to destroy creation,

but to restore it.

I am not destined for the dirt;

I was born to rise again.

You did not create me for suffering,

but You equipped me to bear it,

and You will bring me victory over it.

You did not create me for pain,

but You hold me when it comes,

and You are my shelter until it passes.

Remind me, O Lord, and reveal to me

that You are making all things new.

Will I be the one exception?

I am your most treasured creation,

will You forget about me?

I am your chosen child,

the one You love;

will you abandon me?

Father,

forgive me.

I am just a man,

and I am afraid.

I am scared of death,

burdened by anxiety,

and worried about myself.

In my anguish,

I become consumed by me -

my needs,

my wants,

my struggles.

Lift my head;

remove blindness from my eyes,

and cause me to love others.

For it is your love, O Lord,

that sets us free;

there is no other way.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (1)

Hope in the flesh,

is hope wasted.

Hope in the Lord,

is hope that will never end.

Yet, I tether myself to the flesh,

and turn from the Lord.

In the heat of battle,

the intensity of attack,

fear causes me to lose faith.

For trust is easy in victory,

and faith is steady when it’s calm;

but in defeat,

the eye of the storm,

I lose my way.

Hear my prayer, O God,

and turn upon me with mercy.

Strengthen me in weakness,

sharpen me in terror.

Cause my mind to know,

and my body to trust,

what my soul is certain of.

For as sure as the sun rises and sets,

You, O Lord, are sure to deliver the righteous.

Amen.

Day of Darkness (series)

Mourn with those who mourn.

I wrote this collection of seven prayers in one sitting, as I wept over the seemingly endless pain and sickness I have battled for the last few years. Soon after I wiped the tears from my eyes, I received a text from a friend of mine who heard that I wasn’t doing well. He shared with me about his years-long battle with depression, suicidal thoughts, and chronic illness. He explained his misery, his anger, and his emptiness. He didn’t advise me on how to feel better, nor did he negate the weight of what I was feeling that particular day. Knowing that he was hurting gave me comfort, and encouraged me to write these seven prayers.

After getting his message, I wondered why I always seem to convince myself that I am suffering in isolation, that nobody else could possibly be hurting the same way that I am. I wondered what the Lord must think, watching us as we try to hide our wounds, drowning in loneliness, desperate for someone to see our hurt and simply be with us in it. For someone to weep alongside us, to sit next to us in silence in our misery.

The words of Romans 12 came to mind as I reflected on the example my friend showed me. Verses 12-15 say, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

In despair, I needed someone to weep with me, to mourn with me, and to remind me that I’m not alone. In times of immense suffering, there are moments that overcome you. It feels like hope is meaningless, joy is gone, and no word of encouragement can bring you strength or sanity. These prayers represent the middle of that moment - affliction, immense need, mourning, the day of darkness. Additionally, they reflect the power, the beauty, of a friend that hurts with you.

There are seven prayers altogether, each one posted in the order that I wrote them. I will release one per day for the first week of the website launch. After that, there will be one post put out every week, released on Friday mornings for us to share together.

Why?

The launch of Evensong.

Do we seriously need another journal?

There are a lot of websites. A lot of blogs, social media accounts, publications, newsletters, and other forms of media put out every second. Why am I adding to the overly-saturated, overwhelming storm of information, opinions, and voices that already exist? Why do we need another one?

We don’t. I’m doing this for one reason. If I can help one person, literally just one, by sharing my writing, then I’m going to. It’s really quite simple: I will post one prayer per week on Friday morning (with the one exception being the first week, when I will post one per day for the launch of the journal), and if you sign up for emails, I’ll send you one email per week on Friday morning with the newest post. That’s it. It’s not scripted and it’s not edited.

The beauty of communal prayer

I experienced a freedom in writing, and I’m hoping to share that freedom with anyone who decides to join me in reading it, praying it, and expressing it to the Lord. In sharing these words with honesty and vulnerability, I hope you are encouraged to do the same. I hope you hear yourself as you pray them, I hope you see yourself as you picture them, and I hope you begin refining your own voice as you express yourself to the Father with humility. Ultimately, I hope this journal can function as a place where we join together in common prayer, sharing our experiences and emotions with vulnerability.

Cathartic and Reverent

Prayer is power. Prayer is necessary. It is not filled with buzzwords and it is not a conversation that you have with your friend. Prayer is and must always remain fully cathartic and fully reverent. We cannot choose one and not the other. It is an interaction, an exchange, an act of submission and silence sometimes, most times. Prayer is often gasping through tears of grief, or through gritted teeth, simmering with rage. Don’t take my word for it. Read the Psalms, read the book of Job, read the Gospels and pay close attention to how our Savior prays to the Father.

This leads me to my final point, and my final charge to you, to us. Prayer is not about you, not about me, not about us. It is about, for, and unto God’s glory. We need not look further than Christ as He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane in Luke 22:42-44. “‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” Not my will, but yours be done.

Community + Prayer = Worship

Together, let’s link arms, get down on our hands and knees, and join Jesus in praying that the Father’s will be done. Let’s cry out, rejoice, sing, praise, lament, grieve, and pray earnestly, with expectation and boldness. And let’s do it together as brothers and sisters, the body of Christ coming together through our shared language.